Dear Ask a DnD Monster:
Help me out here, guys.
I'm a short dude, but I LOVE tall women. I'm appealing in every way except for my height. How do I hit on women who are a foot taller than me without them thinking I'm joking?
Short on Height but Long on Love
Answer From: an Orc
Dear Short:
Tell her you represent the Lollipop Guild. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok, no, seriously. Sorry about that. I'm often Chaotic Evil.
The first thing I'd say is, if the evil overlord who is amassing you and your fellows is a wizard, see if he or one of his henchman can cast enlarge person on you. The battlemage Shir-thir cast it on a whole mess of us last week, and it worked great. Granted, we were crushing the front lines of the kingdom of Alveria, but romantic love and crushing the world beneath a storm of iron are very similar in a lot of ways. The spell doesn't last forever, but it should last long enough to get you a date. Enlarge person is also good at other stages of the relationship, but I'll let you figure that part out, yourself.
If you can't make yourself taller, then you could hide the fact that you're short. When you ask her out, stand between her and the sun. This will cause her to be dazzled due to her light sensitivity. I don't know what you look like, but this could help you out across the board. No offense, but people who actually are "appealing in every way" usually don't have to go around saying that, and my guess is that you wouldn't be writing in to this column in the first place if you were some kind of miniature Brad Pitt.
But every orc knows that the best persuasion comes at the business end of a falchion. Hey, half-orcs don't come outta nowhere. Some guys don't like to start relationships with coercion, but you might as well get your two cents in now before you find yourself going to the art show because that's what she likes. Oh no, she'd never go with you to the Friday night blood brawl, but you can go look at paintings of blue squares all day long, because that's love, brother.
Anyway, good luck, Shorty. Don't forget to ask if she's a good witch or a bad witch. HAHAHA! I kid, I kid.
Jurlach, the Orc
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