Advice on Premarital Sex?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm 18 and still a virgin.  Most of my friends aren't virgins, anymore, and I'm feeling left out.  For a while, I thought that I might want to wait until marriage to have sex, but now that I'm older, I'm having second thoughts.  I feel ready to have sex, but I don't want to look back in 10 years and wish I'd waited until my honeymoon.

A LOT of people tell me I'm being unrealistic, but then others say they wish they would have waited.  None of my friends tell me to wait.  They just talk about how great their sex life is.

I originally made the decision to wait because I was scared to get pregnant.  But, recently, I've stayed one because I've been going to church and learning more about the way God designed marriage and sex.

About a year ago, I started having oral sex and and started doing everything except actual sex.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  But I read in the Bible that virginity is a sign of purity, and I'm thinking, what's the point of not having sex if I'm already doing everything else?

Should I wait, or should I go ahead and have sex because I've already done everything else?  What's the point of waiting until my honeymoon if I'm not really "pure" anymore?

Signed,

Wants to Have Sex and Not Regret It



Answer From: A Ghoul
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Dear Wants Sex:

You know, a lot of people come to me with this question in some form or another, and it always ends up the same way.  They ask their question, and in the process of asking it, they realize that they already know what their answer is going to be.  It's amazing.  It's like, the act of talking through it shows them what they really believe all along.  And in that moment when their world stands still for those few seconds of self-revelation, I paralyze and eat them.

So, I'm not sure what to tell you, since the usual pattern is: sex question, "AAAAAAA!", and then a gurgling sound.  Occasionally, someone tries to turn me, but in all honesty, a reciprocal discussion is really over at that point.

If I were you, the biggest things I'd worry about in this day and age would be diseases.  For example, your bite attack has a good chance of transmitting Ghoul Fever, and that disease sounds more fun than it really is!  John Travolta is not going to show up in a white jacket ready to boogie, and if he does, he will boogie while satiating his hunger for the flesh of the living.  I have seen a lot of good relationships ruined this way.  I mean, from Ghoul Fever, not from John Travolta.  Directly.

The other problem is that both your bite and your claws can paralyze your target, and unless you're into the kinky stuff, this can be a real downer to an intimate experience.  If you've ever heard someone described as being "frigid," well, that's peanuts compared to paralyzing someone in the throes of passion.  Not only that, but if you're in some particularly entangling position, get ready to have the most embarrassing hospital experience of your life - walking through that emergency room with blood from your latest kill dripping from your jowls and your paralyzed lover wrapped around you in some Kama Sutra weirdness that has his foot stuck in your ear or whatever the heck you kids are doing these days.

Finally, if you were killed in the act of cannibalism, you will actually rise as a Ghast, which means you'll also have an overpowering stench to worry about.  All I've got to say is you better be super hot or move to eastern Europe or something, because a lot of guys will just look elsewhere.  Guys like girls who don't require Fortitude saves.  I'm sorry, but the teenage years are a cruel time.

I hope that helps, and if you want to bring any guys over to my place, you're welcome to do so if they aren't clerics.

Peace out,

Cameron, the Ghoul