Curvy Jeans and Style

Dear Ask a Dnd Monster:

I like to consider myself stylish, but when I'm trying to find curvy jeans to fit my hourglass figure, it's crazy trying to find a pair that'll go over my hips but not leave a gap around my middle.

Every time I go shopping, it makes me depressed because I feel like a freak trying to find jeans that fit. I'm a size 8 and 5'6". If I even find jeans that fit, the styles are so outdated that I feel like I've aged 10 years just wearing them, and I'm not trying to go for that 34 year old look.

Hasn't someone gotten around to designing a pair of jeans for a woman with real hips, thighs, and a bubble butt, but has a small waist? Maybe without looking completely frumpy?

Signed,

Fashion Conscious

Answer From: a Beholder

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Dear Conscious:

By the Great Mother, your butt sounds enormous! I am glad we are handling this issue via the Internet. My lair has room for only one enormous, round being.

Perhaps, instead of being so concerned about your appearance to others, your butt could enslave the lesser beings of the area, then demand worship. This is what I have done with the gnolls of Surlash Ba-kak, and it has worked well for me. They compliment my appearance daily with such things as, "O, mighty orb of salvation and destruction, greatest of tyrants, may your glorious eye gaze upon us with favor forever." Perhaps people might say the same of your butt.

If you worry that your butt might be rejected by the public at first sight, I recommend polymorphing your butt into a form more pleasing to the other humans. I found that the form of an elven senator worked well for me, but you may have to try a few different things until you find just the right shape for your area. Try making your butt look like an elven senator and see how it goes. There is no point to reinventing the wheel, here.

If subtle means fail you, then dominating by force is your best bet. Float in and lay waste by emitting rays of disintegrate and paralysis. If someone poses a serious challenge to your butt's might, disable them with the antimagic force in your central eye. You will find that your butt will prove a greater challenge than most adventurers realize at first, and you can use this to your advantage.

Once you have dominated the population around you with your butt, you should have no problems either getting compliments or forcing the population to create jeans to your liking. Magic will almost be a necessity, however, as any hole large enough to admit your bulk will not be able to shrink to fit your waist. Perhaps you can find an evil wizard to ally to your cause.

Good luck,

Veritrux, the Beholder

Note: The beholder is product identity owned by Wizards of the Coast and has not been released under the Open Gaming License.