Boyfriend Will Not Stop Groping Me

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

This is slightly... okay, very embarrassing.

My boyfriend is rather, um, uninhibited in public. This includes mainly groping my bum, breasts, and talking about our sex life in full view and earshot of everyone. He will not stop, and when I talk to him about it, he says that he'll stop, but twenty minutes later, he's at it again! I'd say this happens about ten to twenty times a day if we're together the whole day.

I've tried talking to him about how uncomfortable it makes me, and he just says I'm too conservative. So, I asked him, "How many 30 year olds do you see groping their girlfriends in public?" Obviously, you don't see any, but he seems to just be getting worse as time goes on.

Nothing works no matter what I do, and I'm just dreading the day he does it in front of people we know or my parents or something. Do you have any advice on how I can encourage him to keep this behind closed doors?

Please help,

Overfondled

Answer From: a Tarrasque

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Oooh, this bad.

Me have same problem with girlfriend. Me was one groping, though. Me have Improved Grab ability and not afraid to use it! Heh heh. When she complain, me tell her me no care what people think because me am unstoppable juggernaut of destruction and also me very secure in self-esteem.

This bad move, though. Girl leave me. Says me not respect her. Also complain about friends running in fear when come over to play Settlers of Catan. She right, you know, and now she gone. Even epic level regeneration not cure broken heart.

You need make clear to boyfriend he not respecting you when do this. If he not care, you leave him. Will teach him important lesson in treating women right or will at least be someone else problem. If you not cool with that, swallow him whole. Will take him many rounds to cut way out of digestive tract. Probably dead from stomach acid by then. Either way good. Up to you. We all different.

Good luck,

Thrug, the Tarrasque

Insomnia and Restless Sleep

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My sleep patterns are making me crazy. I usually can't even get to sleep until 2am (sometimes not until 4 or 5), and I have to get up at 7:30am. Even with such a short time asleep, I still wake up 4 to 6 times a night.

I've been trying to work on sleep hygiene, but when I try to go to bed earlier, my brain just can't seem to sleep. When I finally do drift off, I will wake up in the middle of night wide awake and then have a rubbish light "eye shut" until my alarm goes off.

Before, when I was getting various hours of sleep, I didn't feel that bad, but now I just feel like a living zombie that never gets any rest, and it's driving me crazy!

Without taking any medication, do you have any ideas?

Sleepless in Muskogee

Answer From: a Blue Dragon

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Dear Sleepless:

First of all, your second paragraph borders on being incomprehensible. If you really want help, please learn to speak Common properly. With that addressed, we turn to your actual issue.

The first thing to keep in mind is that there are some activities that are not conducive to getting to sleep, such as using your computer, reading non-fiction, or fusing some armor-wearing peon into the eternal paralysis of electric death. Such activities should be ceased an hour or so before going to bed. In that same vein, I'd limit your evening consumption of caffeine, alcohol, trader caravans, or chocolate.

Second, you must create an environment appropriate for sleeping. For example, my arch-nemesis Kythro the white dragon enjoys hanging from the roof of his ice cave, which not only relaxes his spine, but leaves him in a good position to swoop down on intruders.

Everyone is different, however. For me, I enjoy burrowing deeply into the sand until only a bit of my head is exposed. It keeps me warm in the cold, desert night, but not too warm. It provides a nice layer of darkness. It abrades away my dry skin. And it also has the advantage that adventurers will stumble across my nostrils and esteem them the doorway to some ancient city of riches, at which point I surprise them. Nothing says "surprise" like a faceful of lightning from a Colossal creature who wasn't there five seconds ago. Of course, at that point, I'm wide awake and my night is shot, too. So, we understand each other at that level.

In the end, you just have to find things that relax you without stimulating you too much. You might try counting your hoard of sapphires or creating hallucinatory terrain that pleases you. When you find the right pattern, stick with it. It used to take me 507 years to get to sleep, but these days, I fall right to sleep in a mere 344.

Regards,

Hyffyffyftherios, the Blue Dragon

Curvy Jeans and Style

Dear Ask a Dnd Monster:

I like to consider myself stylish, but when I'm trying to find curvy jeans to fit my hourglass figure, it's crazy trying to find a pair that'll go over my hips but not leave a gap around my middle.

Every time I go shopping, it makes me depressed because I feel like a freak trying to find jeans that fit. I'm a size 8 and 5'6". If I even find jeans that fit, the styles are so outdated that I feel like I've aged 10 years just wearing them, and I'm not trying to go for that 34 year old look.

Hasn't someone gotten around to designing a pair of jeans for a woman with real hips, thighs, and a bubble butt, but has a small waist? Maybe without looking completely frumpy?

Signed,

Fashion Conscious

Answer From: a Beholder

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Dear Conscious:

By the Great Mother, your butt sounds enormous! I am glad we are handling this issue via the Internet. My lair has room for only one enormous, round being.

Perhaps, instead of being so concerned about your appearance to others, your butt could enslave the lesser beings of the area, then demand worship. This is what I have done with the gnolls of Surlash Ba-kak, and it has worked well for me. They compliment my appearance daily with such things as, "O, mighty orb of salvation and destruction, greatest of tyrants, may your glorious eye gaze upon us with favor forever." Perhaps people might say the same of your butt.

If you worry that your butt might be rejected by the public at first sight, I recommend polymorphing your butt into a form more pleasing to the other humans. I found that the form of an elven senator worked well for me, but you may have to try a few different things until you find just the right shape for your area. Try making your butt look like an elven senator and see how it goes. There is no point to reinventing the wheel, here.

If subtle means fail you, then dominating by force is your best bet. Float in and lay waste by emitting rays of disintegrate and paralysis. If someone poses a serious challenge to your butt's might, disable them with the antimagic force in your central eye. You will find that your butt will prove a greater challenge than most adventurers realize at first, and you can use this to your advantage.

Once you have dominated the population around you with your butt, you should have no problems either getting compliments or forcing the population to create jeans to your liking. Magic will almost be a necessity, however, as any hole large enough to admit your bulk will not be able to shrink to fit your waist. Perhaps you can find an evil wizard to ally to your cause.

Good luck,

Veritrux, the Beholder

Note: The beholder is product identity owned by Wizards of the Coast and has not been released under the Open Gaming License.

Grave Decorations: What's Appropriate?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My nephew passed away March 2006, and we try to get out to the cemetery weekly. We usually decorate and clean up the marker site, and we even edge the grass, sometimes.

The cemetery has a new manager, now, who ripped off all the decorations. When we complained, he said the policy had been "updated," even though nobody who has lots in this cemetery ever got anything about a new policy.

He's been unwilling to compromise at all and, in fact, once said we could go ahead and get legal counsel all we wanted, because it's a private cemetery and there's nothing we can do about it.

Is this true? Can a cemetery manager actually forbid family members from decorating markers on sites they've bought?

Signed,

De-flowered

Answer From: a Basilisk

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When you see manager, he turn to stone. Yes. Good. Pretty, pretty stone. So hard. So warm in sun. Take away itchy scales. Good stone.

Make him stone, then put pinwheels or whatever on grave marker. Grave markers also stone. Stone good. Stone sweet. Make whole world stone, yes.

You gaze at manager. Bite if he come too close. Eat him good, too, but stone better. So pretty and sweet. So warm.

Decorate grave marker with stone manager. Irony sweet, too, but stone even better. Stone. Stoooooooone. Sssssssssss.

Hope helps,

Alexander Aerendilos III, the Basilisk

Every Time I Ask a Girl Out, I Freeze

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm 18 y.o. guy and still single because, whenever I try to ask a girl out, I just freeze.  Like, I just stand there staring.  Usually, they even ask if I'm ok, which just makes me feel worse.  I just say, "I'm fine.  Forget it," and walk off feeling like a failure.

This is tearing me apart, inside!  How can I be more confident when I approach a girl and try to have a conversation?  This is making me depressed, frustrated, and even aggressive towards my friends.

Thanks for any help,

Dr. Freeze


Answer From: a Sphinx
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Dear Doctor:

Are you a real doctor?  That seems unlikely.  The only person I am aware of who became a doctor so young is Douglas Howser, and I have recently been exposed to evidence that leads me to believe even that account was fictional.

Nevertheless, I understand your plight.  Often, when men approach me, they also tend to freeze up.  I think men will always struggle with being comfortable around women.  In my case, I believe they are intimidated by my intelligence.  I recommend that women, in general, should avoid asking prospective suitors riddles and then slaying them for failure.  Now that I think about it, I suppose their hesitance could also be due to my tendency to use my powerful claws to flay the flesh from my enemies, but I believe it is mostly the intelligence issue.  Strong women intimidate men.  I haven't had a date in years because of it.  Sure, every so often, a hieracosphinx comes along desiring to mate, but... no.  Just, no.

I would suggest adding things to your approach that will put you in a position of confidence right from the start.  Do not just walk up to her, swoop in on your powerful wings.  It adds a bit of flair.  Even if she is used to it, that move never loses its charm.  Also, since you are a male of your species, consider roaring twice.  If she fails a Will and a Fortitude save,she will be paralyzed, and you can take your time warming her up with some ice-breakers and pleasant conversation once you have cured the deafness effect.  It is important to roar twice, however.  Otherwise, she may just flee in mortal terror, and word gets around about things like that.  Another writer, here, made a remark about people desiring mates who do not require saving throws and, on balance, I believe that is a sound observation.

If you do not wish to deafen and paralyze your prospective date, I recommend preparing sanctuary that day.  She will be unable to attack you, and that should remove the chief obstacle that intimidates you.  If she carries a Stephenie Meier novel with her, a magic circle against evil should also keep her at arm's length; just do not forget to dismiss the circle prior to mating.

I hope this helps.  You sound like a nice person, and I would not be averse to enjoying a social event with you, myself, were it not for the age difference.  Three hundred twenty years difference is definitely my limit.  Perhaps I am close-minded, but I am in a place right now where maturity and stability are important.  How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

Hmmm.  I shall have to remember that one.

Bahiti, the Sphinx

What's the Difference?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

What is the difference between jam, jelly, and preserves?  Where does Jell-O fit into that?

Signed,
Always Been Curious


Answer From: an Osyluth (Bone Devil)
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Dear Curious:

You mortals never cease to amaze me with the inane trivialities that dominate your pathetically short lives.  "Always Been Curious?"  Truly?  Could it be that in all the macrocosmic mysteries and issues in the world, the complex hierarchies of power to traverse, and the interminable toll of the Blood War, your entire life has been preoccupied with divining the relationship between various items you eat on toast?  Pathetic.

However, I have been summoned to answer this ridiculous query, and I shall, as outlined by terms of my contract.

With jam, the fruit content of the substance comes from fruit pulp or crushed fruit.  This is similar to when I summon 2d10 lemures to rip my prey to bloody shreds.  The jam of tortured cries of despair is a sweet jam, indeed.

With jelly, the fruit is present only in the form of the fruit's juice, which is rather like when I drive my stinger through someone's eye.  Oh, the blood, the blood!  I do not know about you, but this is making me hungry!  You may not drink the blood of my kills, however.  The venom would slay you.  I, of course, am immune.  Weakling.

With preserves, the fruit is present via chunks of the fruit or, sometimes, a jam.  This calls to mind a wizard who summoned me and accidentally brushed away part of the magic circle with his foot.  I tore pieces from him for days before his pitiful frame expired, and now I torment his soul in the depths of the Nine Hells.

Jell-O is a gelatin and, as such, is completely unlike anything else in your question.  You had no way of knowing this, of course, as you are completely stupid very much like everything else in your species.  You are fit for nothing else than to serve those more powerful than yourselves.  Think on that, next time you eat a bowl of that shivery goodness, cretin!

My summons has elapsed.  I must return to Asmodeus, now.  Write back, soon.

Eechitil "Stan" Morolaxxus, the Bone Devil

Riddle Me This

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

One of my friends really likes riddles and brain teasers.  He doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes, when we're hanging out, he'll come out with some brain teaser, and I'll just sit there feeling dumb.  Then, he tells me the answer with this smirk on his face.

I'd really like to get one on him, sometime.  Do you know any really good riddles or brain teasers that would stump him?  And they have to be unique so he can't look them up on the Internet.

Thanks,

The Riddler


Answer From: an Ochre Jelly
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Dear Riddler:

Look, lady, I gots no Intelligence score, so you are totally barking up the wrong tree, here.  You want a good riddle?  I got a good riddle for you.  What's fifteen feet across and can grapple you as a free action?  WHAM!

You want to take that smirk off that pretty boy's face?  How about instead of trying to outnerd him, you use a slam attack to envelop him and start secreting acid like John Goodman at a chili dog cookoff.  Who's laughing then, eh?  Yeah.  Kinda hard to be all cerebral when you're eating his face off.

How many marbles will I have to take out of the bag?  Oh, gosh, I don't know.  Why don't I think about that while my body burns the flesh off your bones?  Oh yeah, this one's a real stumper.  Gonna take a long time.  Yeah, you'll be feeling pretty superior by the time I've completely absorbed you as raw nutrients.  Hey hey!  Won't I feel dumb.  I mean, you gots this great marble story to demonstrate how great your brain is, and all I got is Improved Grab, immunity to piercing and slashing, and a lot of time on my hands.  Guess you got me, good, huh?  Maybe you can, you know, sit around thinking about that when you're a perfectly bleached pile of bones.  Oh, here's a good one: how did this bleached pile of bones get here?

Let me tell you, lady, you got two options.  You can get smarter than this guy, or you can smother and eat him.  I think we both know which one actually has a chance of happening, you know what I'm sayin?

Dan, the Ochre Jelly