Financial Planning Advice Needed

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I think I'm the only guy my age who plans financially for the future. My company has a pension plan that I max out, and I also invest in the stock market using index funds.

I don't earn a lot of money, and I only put about $200 away each month for savings. Any extra money I get goes into this account, too, but that's maybe $100 or so a year.

I'm hoping that, by the age of 50, I'll have enough money to put away to send any kids to college. Is this unrealistic? I plan to put more in as I earn more in the future, but I have no way of knowing how much that'll be.

I'm 27, by the way.

Signed,

Protecting the Future

Answer From: a Thri-Kreen

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Dear Future:

My hive-brothers have communed regarding your problem, and we admit to some confusion.

In the first place, why do you wish to stockpile money? Will money slake your thirst in the desert? Will it protect your carapace in a nighttime raid? Will it provide you food from the spoils of battle? We agree that the pursuit of money is a waste of your time, and both you and your future brood will benefit much more from a stockpile of water and/or spears. Have you consulted a master-at-arms on the proper number of spears you will need for the future? We think you have not.

There might, perhaps, be some value in tying bundles of cash to your limbs to provide an extra layer of protection, but we feel you should simply rely on your chitin, as your movement will be much less hindered. You might throw out a wad of money in battle to distract your foe, but sand in the eyes is a much cheaper alternative, and obtaining a sufficient amount requires far less planning than what you currently require.

The second aspect that confuses us is the desire to send your broodlings to college. Many of your young will not survive the harshness of the desert. You will eat others that become lame or show weakness. In fact, truth be told, you yourself will be lucky to escape with your head intact after mating.

For the ones that do survive, their access to the hive mind should cover their educational needs and is free of charge. If your young lack the psionic ability to access the hive mind, simply devour them, which will also reduce your expenses. There should be no need to send any of them to university unless it is your intent to lead them on a raid of said institution which, once again, is absolutely free. Be warned that many university students mimic our ability to go without sleep. They cope with this very poorly, however, and we expect you will have no trouble slaughtering the mass of booze-addled flesh bags who are unable to fend off your many attacks due to the thick coat of bong resin that encases their skulls.

We hope this frees you from financial anxieties. Less money, more water.

The Hive of Darkscar Canyon