Boyfriend Has Split Personality

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My boyfriend of a year and a half is a wonderful man. We live together, have a lot of mutual friends and interests, and we just get along great.

However, I'm concerned that he has a very different personality with his male friends that he had from before we met. Nearly all of them are sexist, cheating, womanizing guys. My boyfriend has admitted to cheating and philandering during some of his past relationships as well, but he has always been faithful to me, as far as I know.

My problem is that, since he keeps in touch with these old friends, I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. I have stumbled upon a few emails where he has joined in with his friends joking about his friend who "hit that the other night" or "scored" or cheated on their significant other. I even saw one email where he sent a photo of his ex-girlfriend to one of them saying, "She was so hot. You wish you could get that."

I know that my boyfriend is committed to me and is just playing along with his old friends, but I find these conversations creepy. They aren't about me, but I keep wondering when this will start affecting our relationship. Am I being paranoid? Should I just base our relationship on how he is with me and not worry about him joking around with his old friends? Knowing this about him has made it hard for me to trust him.

Thanks for the help,

WonderingAboutHisSecondLife

Answer From: a Tojanida

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Dear SecondLife:

You don't need multiple apertures in your shell to see that this relationship is headed for a very hard time.

Out here on the Elemental Plane of Water, we sometimes talk about the "perfect storm," where a number of factors happen to be in just the right place to produce the biggest disaster. On the one paddle, your boyfriend sounds like a jackass who puts his best behavior on when he's around you. It may come as a shock to learn that sexist, cheating men don't magically transform just by dating someone. People can change, sure, but it takes a lot of desire and deliberate effort to work on it.

On the other paddle, instead of talking to him about it, you've gone through his email and you're asking an aquatic Outsider for advice, so how trustworthy does that make you, exactly? It's the perfect storm. You're a paranoid girlfriend who expects the worst and will sneak around behind your boyfriend's back to find evidence that the worst is happening, and he's just the guy whose jerk tendencies will serve said evidence right up.

If you have any desire of saving this relationship, you need to make a successful melee bite or claw attack (try to pass it off as foreplay - he sounds like he'd be into that), then engage your Improved Grab ability to haul him away from his allies. Once this is done, you need to talk to him about your misgivings. He probably won't take, "I was going through your email," very well, but it can be a good chance to admit your own faults, too, and maybe he'll be more willing to listen about his own behavior. Present it like the two of you need to work on your respective issues, together, instead of it being all about him. If he's not willing to work together with you, then what are you two doing, exactly?

If he releases a cloud of ink and runs, consider yourself lucky. You'll only be blinded for one round as opposed to a year and a half, which is a big improvement on your situation, and he probably would have ended up cheating on you at some point if he hadn't already.

Epthir, the Tojanida

How to Get a Tall Girl

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

Help me out here, guys.

I'm a short dude, but I LOVE tall women. I'm appealing in every way except for my height. How do I hit on women who are a foot taller than me without them thinking I'm joking?

Short on Height but Long on Love

Answer From: an Orc

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Dear Short:

Tell her you represent the Lollipop Guild. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, no, seriously. Sorry about that. I'm often Chaotic Evil.

The first thing I'd say is, if the evil overlord who is amassing you and your fellows is a wizard, see if he or one of his henchman can cast enlarge person on you. The battlemage Shir-thir cast it on a whole mess of us last week, and it worked great. Granted, we were crushing the front lines of the kingdom of Alveria, but romantic love and crushing the world beneath a storm of iron are very similar in a lot of ways. The spell doesn't last forever, but it should last long enough to get you a date. Enlarge person is also good at other stages of the relationship, but I'll let you figure that part out, yourself.

If you can't make yourself taller, then you could hide the fact that you're short. When you ask her out, stand between her and the sun. This will cause her to be dazzled due to her light sensitivity. I don't know what you look like, but this could help you out across the board. No offense, but people who actually are "appealing in every way" usually don't have to go around saying that, and my guess is that you wouldn't be writing in to this column in the first place if you were some kind of miniature Brad Pitt.

But every orc knows that the best persuasion comes at the business end of a falchion. Hey, half-orcs don't come outta nowhere. Some guys don't like to start relationships with coercion, but you might as well get your two cents in now before you find yourself going to the art show because that's what she likes. Oh no, she'd never go with you to the Friday night blood brawl, but you can go look at paintings of blue squares all day long, because that's love, brother.

Anyway, good luck, Shorty. Don't forget to ask if she's a good witch or a bad witch. HAHAHA! I kid, I kid.

Jurlach, the Orc

I Feel So Lonely and Ugly

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm going through depression from low self-esteem.

I've really never felt so ugly. I have short, Rhianna hair, which I'm growing out. I hate it. I feel so unattractive, and guys don't even look twice at me, anymore. Although everyone says it suits me, I'm obviously not looking that good. If I were a boy, I wouldn't look twice at me.

It's hard to even leave the house. When I go to college, I just get on the bus and cry all the way there. I can't take it, anymore.

It's not just that I feel ugly. It's definitely the way I look. I'm a mixed race, and I look a bit like Rhianna. Well, I hate Rhianna. I hate her music, I hate her style - everything. I like rock music.

I don't know how to display who I am on the outside, because I'm a mixed race, and I can't do anything with my hair. I want to grow it out longer so I can punk it up and feel more girly, but it's going to take forever to grow out.

To make matters worse, I've never had a boyfriend. There was one guy who said he wanted to be my boyfriend, but once we slept together, he just moved on to the next girl.

All my friends have boyfriends. I'm the only single person in our group of friends, so I never have anyone special to talk about. That just proves to me that I can't get anyone and they way I feel about myself is true.

I'm constantly comparing myself to other people. I search for pretty girls on Google and Facebook and wish I looked like them. Sometimes, I even try to make myself look more like them, but I really don't look anything like them.

I'm totally losing it. I hate getting up in the morning and going out. I hate seeing my reflection in the mirror, and I hate the thought of other people seeing me.

I haven't been out of the house except for school in five months. I don't like being around people because I feel like I'm awful to be around, and even when I'm acting happy on the outside, I just want to cry and feel so miserable on the inside even if I'm smiling.

My friend also has really low self-esteem, but at least she has a boyfriend who loves her and tells her that she's beautiful. I don't have anyone to pay me even the least bit of attention. No man to flirt with. No guys to text. I feel so alone and ugly.

Any advice?

Ugly Duckling

Answer From: a Goblin

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Dear Duckling:

Maybe you don't have a boyfriend because you never shut up. While you were yammering, my tribe raided Pelorville and was halfway through their Trench o' Dismembered Sheep before I finished reading your letter. Maybe lots of guys would like to ask you out, but they can't get through the entire sentence before you start in on Volume 7 of "Why Men Don't Text Me."

Hold on. The editor is telling me something.

Okay, it seems I'm supposed to help you, here. I thought that's what I was doing, but I guess constructive criticism isn't welcome. So, let's try empathy.

You think you've got it bad? Because your hair is too short? My hair is nothing more than some wiry tufts sticking out of a yellowed, leathery scalp. And you know what? That never stopped me from getting outside and doing my thing. The fact is, love is like everything else in life. If you want it, you get a bunch of your friends together and take it. Every romance I've ever had, I can trace back to a successful raid, including the woman I'm currently with. She's a goat.

But romance isn't always going to be goats and roses. You have to work for it. Why don't you pick a guy that you like and lie in ambush behind a stalagmite? Then, when you have your morningstar at his throat, you can ask him out. He'll say yes if he knows what's good for him. Or if you think that won't work, lead a group of your friends into his encampment at night, set his tents on fire, kill his guards while they try to escape, and ask him out in the confusion. There's no one way to find true love.

I'm telling you, though, the worst thing you can do is sit in your pile of filth and bones crying about it. Pick up your weapon, find an opportune time to strike, and take for yourself a male of some species or another.

Grolach, the Goblin

If One More Person Calls Me Emo, I'll Kill Myself

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm starting middle school next year, and I'm really excited about it!

The only problem is, the other kids sometimes say that I'm "emo." I know when you're emo that you cut yourself  and write sad poetry and stories, etc., but I don't do any of that stuff.

Being really smart doesn't help either. I'm sort of known for being the smart girl who likes to help people, but whenever I try to help someone, their friends say that I'm just being emo.

I really like to help people, so do you have any advice? I hate being accused of something I'm not.

Sincerely,

Not Emo at All Like Those Conformist Morons at My School

Answer From: an Ettin

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Ugh.

Well, must confess Groddo have trouble relating. You very smart little girl. Groddo is Ettin. This big difference, if you not notice.

Groddo say what works for him. When people say mean things to Groddo. Groddo kill them with big club and eat, later. This good plan for you.

No, no. That terrible plan. You little girl. You never lift big club. Throw javelin through head. Make it look like track and field accident.

Do not do that. Javelin through head not strike fear in hearts of foes. Must prevent insults from other kids in future. Pound bones to dust with club!

No be stupid! You throw back out picking up club since you dainty thing. Javelin.

Club!

No, javelin!

Club!

I club you if you no shut mouf!

No, you!

What?

What?

Hope this help you,

Groddo, the Ettin

Fighting with my Brother

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My brother and I fight all the time. We can't seem to keep our mouths shut.

He is 22, and I am 13. He could fight me physically, and that happens sometimes, but I am big enough to fight back. My step-father and I have a lot of problems, and I think he encourages my brother to have problems with me.

I have had a migraine for the past two months, and I think this is causing it. We can't even be in the same room together without starting to fight.

What can I do?

PeaceLuvva

Answer From: a Werewolf

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Dear PeaceLuvva:

Where to start, where to start.

Ok, this brother of yours, does he carry silver? If he doesn't, I'm not sure what the problem is. If he's a werewolf, too, then you guys can go at it for some time without doing any real damage. It might even be healthy. I mean, just think of how much happier most families would be if the members of it could rake each other bloody with their claws and teeth only to have the damage completely disappear in a few rounds.

If he's not a werewolf, he should be easily slain. You might have issues with killing your brother, but it's not "sometimes chaotic evil," it's "always chaotic evil." If you decide not to be chaotic evil in this one case, you might as well just wuss out and become lawful evil. Then, you could spend all day deciding if being evil in any given situation really suits your "code," or weasel out of your evil obligations with some lame ass claim like, "Killing him now would jeopardize my ultimate plan," or some stupid excuse like that. Maybe you could find a wererat to bite you, since that may be more your style.

If he does carry silver, combat may not be your best option. You might find that reconciliation is possible if you bite him and transfer your curse. Then you get into the flesh-rending scenario I described, earlier. It's not ideal, but sometimes, people just won't change. Unless you give them a curse that forces them to change against their will.

What do you think about that, ratgirl?

Josef, the Werewolf

Financial Planning Advice Needed

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I think I'm the only guy my age who plans financially for the future. My company has a pension plan that I max out, and I also invest in the stock market using index funds.

I don't earn a lot of money, and I only put about $200 away each month for savings. Any extra money I get goes into this account, too, but that's maybe $100 or so a year.

I'm hoping that, by the age of 50, I'll have enough money to put away to send any kids to college. Is this unrealistic? I plan to put more in as I earn more in the future, but I have no way of knowing how much that'll be.

I'm 27, by the way.

Signed,

Protecting the Future

Answer From: a Thri-Kreen

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Dear Future:

My hive-brothers have communed regarding your problem, and we admit to some confusion.

In the first place, why do you wish to stockpile money? Will money slake your thirst in the desert? Will it protect your carapace in a nighttime raid? Will it provide you food from the spoils of battle? We agree that the pursuit of money is a waste of your time, and both you and your future brood will benefit much more from a stockpile of water and/or spears. Have you consulted a master-at-arms on the proper number of spears you will need for the future? We think you have not.

There might, perhaps, be some value in tying bundles of cash to your limbs to provide an extra layer of protection, but we feel you should simply rely on your chitin, as your movement will be much less hindered. You might throw out a wad of money in battle to distract your foe, but sand in the eyes is a much cheaper alternative, and obtaining a sufficient amount requires far less planning than what you currently require.

The second aspect that confuses us is the desire to send your broodlings to college. Many of your young will not survive the harshness of the desert. You will eat others that become lame or show weakness. In fact, truth be told, you yourself will be lucky to escape with your head intact after mating.

For the ones that do survive, their access to the hive mind should cover their educational needs and is free of charge. If your young lack the psionic ability to access the hive mind, simply devour them, which will also reduce your expenses. There should be no need to send any of them to university unless it is your intent to lead them on a raid of said institution which, once again, is absolutely free. Be warned that many university students mimic our ability to go without sleep. They cope with this very poorly, however, and we expect you will have no trouble slaughtering the mass of booze-addled flesh bags who are unable to fend off your many attacks due to the thick coat of bong resin that encases their skulls.

We hope this frees you from financial anxieties. Less money, more water.

The Hive of Darkscar Canyon

Limited Closet Space

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I live in an older, bungalow-style home with very tiny closets, so very little room for clothes. How can I efficiently use my closet space without spending a lot of money? What would be the average cost of having my closets expanded?

Signed,

Living with Clutter

Answer From: a Mind Flayer (Illithid)

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Dear Cluttered:

You have come to the right place. Many will tell you to use your tentacles to extract and devour the brains of your foes and use their hollowed-out skulls for storage bins. This is not a bad idea as far as it goes. I currently use this method for office supplies and other little knick-knacks. I give the heads names for easy reference. I used to have a problem finding thumbtacks or paper clips or tea candles if I needed them, but now I just reach into Froederick Dumbaxe or Sheila Lowwillsave or Roguey McScreamsalot and get just what I need.

While this helps for organization, it isn't as much a help with space. You can only fit so much into someone's head, and the head itself takes up space, doesn't it? You might soon find your lair overrun with such heads, and then you have to contend with the feeling of being stared at. The awful, awful staring. I can feel those eyes on me, late at night. Watching. Waiting for the slightest sign of weakness. Their opportunity to strike....

Anyhoo, I suggest acting locally and thinking globally. Specifically, the more of the globe you bring under your dominion, the more space you will have. Closet space problems evaporate when you overrun a human village with your goblin hordes. Villages are chock full of the things. Closets. Like ripened fruit for the plucking. Yes. Today, this village's closets. Tomorrow, another village's closets. Then the closets of a large city. One day, ALL THE WORLD'S CLOSETS SHALL BE MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You can also use empty milk crates for shoes and books and the like.

SUBMIT TO MY WILL, SLAVE, and invest in some inexpensive shelving.

Brahoon, the Mind Flayer

Note: The mind flayer is product identity owned by Wizards of the Coast and has not been released under the Open Gaming License.

Boyfriend Will Not Stop Groping Me

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

This is slightly... okay, very embarrassing.

My boyfriend is rather, um, uninhibited in public. This includes mainly groping my bum, breasts, and talking about our sex life in full view and earshot of everyone. He will not stop, and when I talk to him about it, he says that he'll stop, but twenty minutes later, he's at it again! I'd say this happens about ten to twenty times a day if we're together the whole day.

I've tried talking to him about how uncomfortable it makes me, and he just says I'm too conservative. So, I asked him, "How many 30 year olds do you see groping their girlfriends in public?" Obviously, you don't see any, but he seems to just be getting worse as time goes on.

Nothing works no matter what I do, and I'm just dreading the day he does it in front of people we know or my parents or something. Do you have any advice on how I can encourage him to keep this behind closed doors?

Please help,

Overfondled

Answer From: a Tarrasque

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Oooh, this bad.

Me have same problem with girlfriend. Me was one groping, though. Me have Improved Grab ability and not afraid to use it! Heh heh. When she complain, me tell her me no care what people think because me am unstoppable juggernaut of destruction and also me very secure in self-esteem.

This bad move, though. Girl leave me. Says me not respect her. Also complain about friends running in fear when come over to play Settlers of Catan. She right, you know, and now she gone. Even epic level regeneration not cure broken heart.

You need make clear to boyfriend he not respecting you when do this. If he not care, you leave him. Will teach him important lesson in treating women right or will at least be someone else problem. If you not cool with that, swallow him whole. Will take him many rounds to cut way out of digestive tract. Probably dead from stomach acid by then. Either way good. Up to you. We all different.

Good luck,

Thrug, the Tarrasque

Insomnia and Restless Sleep

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My sleep patterns are making me crazy. I usually can't even get to sleep until 2am (sometimes not until 4 or 5), and I have to get up at 7:30am. Even with such a short time asleep, I still wake up 4 to 6 times a night.

I've been trying to work on sleep hygiene, but when I try to go to bed earlier, my brain just can't seem to sleep. When I finally do drift off, I will wake up in the middle of night wide awake and then have a rubbish light "eye shut" until my alarm goes off.

Before, when I was getting various hours of sleep, I didn't feel that bad, but now I just feel like a living zombie that never gets any rest, and it's driving me crazy!

Without taking any medication, do you have any ideas?

Sleepless in Muskogee

Answer From: a Blue Dragon

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Dear Sleepless:

First of all, your second paragraph borders on being incomprehensible. If you really want help, please learn to speak Common properly. With that addressed, we turn to your actual issue.

The first thing to keep in mind is that there are some activities that are not conducive to getting to sleep, such as using your computer, reading non-fiction, or fusing some armor-wearing peon into the eternal paralysis of electric death. Such activities should be ceased an hour or so before going to bed. In that same vein, I'd limit your evening consumption of caffeine, alcohol, trader caravans, or chocolate.

Second, you must create an environment appropriate for sleeping. For example, my arch-nemesis Kythro the white dragon enjoys hanging from the roof of his ice cave, which not only relaxes his spine, but leaves him in a good position to swoop down on intruders.

Everyone is different, however. For me, I enjoy burrowing deeply into the sand until only a bit of my head is exposed. It keeps me warm in the cold, desert night, but not too warm. It provides a nice layer of darkness. It abrades away my dry skin. And it also has the advantage that adventurers will stumble across my nostrils and esteem them the doorway to some ancient city of riches, at which point I surprise them. Nothing says "surprise" like a faceful of lightning from a Colossal creature who wasn't there five seconds ago. Of course, at that point, I'm wide awake and my night is shot, too. So, we understand each other at that level.

In the end, you just have to find things that relax you without stimulating you too much. You might try counting your hoard of sapphires or creating hallucinatory terrain that pleases you. When you find the right pattern, stick with it. It used to take me 507 years to get to sleep, but these days, I fall right to sleep in a mere 344.

Regards,

Hyffyffyftherios, the Blue Dragon

Curvy Jeans and Style

Dear Ask a Dnd Monster:

I like to consider myself stylish, but when I'm trying to find curvy jeans to fit my hourglass figure, it's crazy trying to find a pair that'll go over my hips but not leave a gap around my middle.

Every time I go shopping, it makes me depressed because I feel like a freak trying to find jeans that fit. I'm a size 8 and 5'6". If I even find jeans that fit, the styles are so outdated that I feel like I've aged 10 years just wearing them, and I'm not trying to go for that 34 year old look.

Hasn't someone gotten around to designing a pair of jeans for a woman with real hips, thighs, and a bubble butt, but has a small waist? Maybe without looking completely frumpy?

Signed,

Fashion Conscious

Answer From: a Beholder

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Dear Conscious:

By the Great Mother, your butt sounds enormous! I am glad we are handling this issue via the Internet. My lair has room for only one enormous, round being.

Perhaps, instead of being so concerned about your appearance to others, your butt could enslave the lesser beings of the area, then demand worship. This is what I have done with the gnolls of Surlash Ba-kak, and it has worked well for me. They compliment my appearance daily with such things as, "O, mighty orb of salvation and destruction, greatest of tyrants, may your glorious eye gaze upon us with favor forever." Perhaps people might say the same of your butt.

If you worry that your butt might be rejected by the public at first sight, I recommend polymorphing your butt into a form more pleasing to the other humans. I found that the form of an elven senator worked well for me, but you may have to try a few different things until you find just the right shape for your area. Try making your butt look like an elven senator and see how it goes. There is no point to reinventing the wheel, here.

If subtle means fail you, then dominating by force is your best bet. Float in and lay waste by emitting rays of disintegrate and paralysis. If someone poses a serious challenge to your butt's might, disable them with the antimagic force in your central eye. You will find that your butt will prove a greater challenge than most adventurers realize at first, and you can use this to your advantage.

Once you have dominated the population around you with your butt, you should have no problems either getting compliments or forcing the population to create jeans to your liking. Magic will almost be a necessity, however, as any hole large enough to admit your bulk will not be able to shrink to fit your waist. Perhaps you can find an evil wizard to ally to your cause.

Good luck,

Veritrux, the Beholder

Note: The beholder is product identity owned by Wizards of the Coast and has not been released under the Open Gaming License.

Grave Decorations: What's Appropriate?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My nephew passed away March 2006, and we try to get out to the cemetery weekly. We usually decorate and clean up the marker site, and we even edge the grass, sometimes.

The cemetery has a new manager, now, who ripped off all the decorations. When we complained, he said the policy had been "updated," even though nobody who has lots in this cemetery ever got anything about a new policy.

He's been unwilling to compromise at all and, in fact, once said we could go ahead and get legal counsel all we wanted, because it's a private cemetery and there's nothing we can do about it.

Is this true? Can a cemetery manager actually forbid family members from decorating markers on sites they've bought?

Signed,

De-flowered

Answer From: a Basilisk

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When you see manager, he turn to stone. Yes. Good. Pretty, pretty stone. So hard. So warm in sun. Take away itchy scales. Good stone.

Make him stone, then put pinwheels or whatever on grave marker. Grave markers also stone. Stone good. Stone sweet. Make whole world stone, yes.

You gaze at manager. Bite if he come too close. Eat him good, too, but stone better. So pretty and sweet. So warm.

Decorate grave marker with stone manager. Irony sweet, too, but stone even better. Stone. Stoooooooone. Sssssssssss.

Hope helps,

Alexander Aerendilos III, the Basilisk

Every Time I Ask a Girl Out, I Freeze

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm 18 y.o. guy and still single because, whenever I try to ask a girl out, I just freeze.  Like, I just stand there staring.  Usually, they even ask if I'm ok, which just makes me feel worse.  I just say, "I'm fine.  Forget it," and walk off feeling like a failure.

This is tearing me apart, inside!  How can I be more confident when I approach a girl and try to have a conversation?  This is making me depressed, frustrated, and even aggressive towards my friends.

Thanks for any help,

Dr. Freeze


Answer From: a Sphinx
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Dear Doctor:

Are you a real doctor?  That seems unlikely.  The only person I am aware of who became a doctor so young is Douglas Howser, and I have recently been exposed to evidence that leads me to believe even that account was fictional.

Nevertheless, I understand your plight.  Often, when men approach me, they also tend to freeze up.  I think men will always struggle with being comfortable around women.  In my case, I believe they are intimidated by my intelligence.  I recommend that women, in general, should avoid asking prospective suitors riddles and then slaying them for failure.  Now that I think about it, I suppose their hesitance could also be due to my tendency to use my powerful claws to flay the flesh from my enemies, but I believe it is mostly the intelligence issue.  Strong women intimidate men.  I haven't had a date in years because of it.  Sure, every so often, a hieracosphinx comes along desiring to mate, but... no.  Just, no.

I would suggest adding things to your approach that will put you in a position of confidence right from the start.  Do not just walk up to her, swoop in on your powerful wings.  It adds a bit of flair.  Even if she is used to it, that move never loses its charm.  Also, since you are a male of your species, consider roaring twice.  If she fails a Will and a Fortitude save,she will be paralyzed, and you can take your time warming her up with some ice-breakers and pleasant conversation once you have cured the deafness effect.  It is important to roar twice, however.  Otherwise, she may just flee in mortal terror, and word gets around about things like that.  Another writer, here, made a remark about people desiring mates who do not require saving throws and, on balance, I believe that is a sound observation.

If you do not wish to deafen and paralyze your prospective date, I recommend preparing sanctuary that day.  She will be unable to attack you, and that should remove the chief obstacle that intimidates you.  If she carries a Stephenie Meier novel with her, a magic circle against evil should also keep her at arm's length; just do not forget to dismiss the circle prior to mating.

I hope this helps.  You sound like a nice person, and I would not be averse to enjoying a social event with you, myself, were it not for the age difference.  Three hundred twenty years difference is definitely my limit.  Perhaps I am close-minded, but I am in a place right now where maturity and stability are important.  How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

Hmmm.  I shall have to remember that one.

Bahiti, the Sphinx

What's the Difference?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

What is the difference between jam, jelly, and preserves?  Where does Jell-O fit into that?

Signed,
Always Been Curious


Answer From: an Osyluth (Bone Devil)
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Dear Curious:

You mortals never cease to amaze me with the inane trivialities that dominate your pathetically short lives.  "Always Been Curious?"  Truly?  Could it be that in all the macrocosmic mysteries and issues in the world, the complex hierarchies of power to traverse, and the interminable toll of the Blood War, your entire life has been preoccupied with divining the relationship between various items you eat on toast?  Pathetic.

However, I have been summoned to answer this ridiculous query, and I shall, as outlined by terms of my contract.

With jam, the fruit content of the substance comes from fruit pulp or crushed fruit.  This is similar to when I summon 2d10 lemures to rip my prey to bloody shreds.  The jam of tortured cries of despair is a sweet jam, indeed.

With jelly, the fruit is present only in the form of the fruit's juice, which is rather like when I drive my stinger through someone's eye.  Oh, the blood, the blood!  I do not know about you, but this is making me hungry!  You may not drink the blood of my kills, however.  The venom would slay you.  I, of course, am immune.  Weakling.

With preserves, the fruit is present via chunks of the fruit or, sometimes, a jam.  This calls to mind a wizard who summoned me and accidentally brushed away part of the magic circle with his foot.  I tore pieces from him for days before his pitiful frame expired, and now I torment his soul in the depths of the Nine Hells.

Jell-O is a gelatin and, as such, is completely unlike anything else in your question.  You had no way of knowing this, of course, as you are completely stupid very much like everything else in your species.  You are fit for nothing else than to serve those more powerful than yourselves.  Think on that, next time you eat a bowl of that shivery goodness, cretin!

My summons has elapsed.  I must return to Asmodeus, now.  Write back, soon.

Eechitil "Stan" Morolaxxus, the Bone Devil

Riddle Me This

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

One of my friends really likes riddles and brain teasers.  He doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes, when we're hanging out, he'll come out with some brain teaser, and I'll just sit there feeling dumb.  Then, he tells me the answer with this smirk on his face.

I'd really like to get one on him, sometime.  Do you know any really good riddles or brain teasers that would stump him?  And they have to be unique so he can't look them up on the Internet.

Thanks,

The Riddler


Answer From: an Ochre Jelly
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Dear Riddler:

Look, lady, I gots no Intelligence score, so you are totally barking up the wrong tree, here.  You want a good riddle?  I got a good riddle for you.  What's fifteen feet across and can grapple you as a free action?  WHAM!

You want to take that smirk off that pretty boy's face?  How about instead of trying to outnerd him, you use a slam attack to envelop him and start secreting acid like John Goodman at a chili dog cookoff.  Who's laughing then, eh?  Yeah.  Kinda hard to be all cerebral when you're eating his face off.

How many marbles will I have to take out of the bag?  Oh, gosh, I don't know.  Why don't I think about that while my body burns the flesh off your bones?  Oh yeah, this one's a real stumper.  Gonna take a long time.  Yeah, you'll be feeling pretty superior by the time I've completely absorbed you as raw nutrients.  Hey hey!  Won't I feel dumb.  I mean, you gots this great marble story to demonstrate how great your brain is, and all I got is Improved Grab, immunity to piercing and slashing, and a lot of time on my hands.  Guess you got me, good, huh?  Maybe you can, you know, sit around thinking about that when you're a perfectly bleached pile of bones.  Oh, here's a good one: how did this bleached pile of bones get here?

Let me tell you, lady, you got two options.  You can get smarter than this guy, or you can smother and eat him.  I think we both know which one actually has a chance of happening, you know what I'm sayin?

Dan, the Ochre Jelly

Politically Incorrect College Mascots

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

The University of North Dakota's mascot is the Fighting Sioux.  This mascot has been contested since the 1970s with some claiming that it's offensive, others claiming that it's not.  In fact, in 2005, the NCAA declared the mascot "hostile and abusive" and banned them (and any other schools with tribal nicknames) from playing any playoff games at home.

My question is this: if the "Fighting Sioux" is such a hotly contested mascot, why isn't anybody upset about Notre Dame using "Fighting Irish?"  To me, both are ethnic groups preceded by the word "fighting."  Are the Irish in America just better at sports or what?

Ethnically Confused



Answer From: a Unicorn
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Dear Confused:

You know what I don't get?  Why more schools don't use the Fighting Unicorns for their mascot.

Think about it - continuous magic circle against evil?  Tons of American football players couldn't even touch you!  Drug users, illegal gamblers, the Oakland Raiders... I'd think a running back would be proud to be associated with unicorns.  Greater teleport, anyone?  What better way to describe a wide receiver who can get down the field faster than anyone can react?  I think, the next time you see a college football player in a bar, you should walk right up to that guy and say, "I've seen you play, man, and you're a f***ing unicorn out there!"  I'll bet you'll get a reaction.

But back to your original question - why is it not okay to use the Sioux but okay to use the Irish for a mascot?  It probably goes back to the fact that Notre Dame was founded by the Irish, whereas the Sioux's relationship to University of North Dakota is probably more along the lines of "people we had to displace to make room for the University of North Dakota."  Besides, being Celtic, myself, I can tell you, when those Irish are going after your horn, you don't wanna be there.

Then again, I only have an Intelligence of 10, so, you know, grain of salt and all.

Eluna, the Unicorn

Advice on Premarital Sex?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm 18 and still a virgin.  Most of my friends aren't virgins, anymore, and I'm feeling left out.  For a while, I thought that I might want to wait until marriage to have sex, but now that I'm older, I'm having second thoughts.  I feel ready to have sex, but I don't want to look back in 10 years and wish I'd waited until my honeymoon.

A LOT of people tell me I'm being unrealistic, but then others say they wish they would have waited.  None of my friends tell me to wait.  They just talk about how great their sex life is.

I originally made the decision to wait because I was scared to get pregnant.  But, recently, I've stayed one because I've been going to church and learning more about the way God designed marriage and sex.

About a year ago, I started having oral sex and and started doing everything except actual sex.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  But I read in the Bible that virginity is a sign of purity, and I'm thinking, what's the point of not having sex if I'm already doing everything else?

Should I wait, or should I go ahead and have sex because I've already done everything else?  What's the point of waiting until my honeymoon if I'm not really "pure" anymore?

Signed,

Wants to Have Sex and Not Regret It



Answer From: A Ghoul
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Dear Wants Sex:

You know, a lot of people come to me with this question in some form or another, and it always ends up the same way.  They ask their question, and in the process of asking it, they realize that they already know what their answer is going to be.  It's amazing.  It's like, the act of talking through it shows them what they really believe all along.  And in that moment when their world stands still for those few seconds of self-revelation, I paralyze and eat them.

So, I'm not sure what to tell you, since the usual pattern is: sex question, "AAAAAAA!", and then a gurgling sound.  Occasionally, someone tries to turn me, but in all honesty, a reciprocal discussion is really over at that point.

If I were you, the biggest things I'd worry about in this day and age would be diseases.  For example, your bite attack has a good chance of transmitting Ghoul Fever, and that disease sounds more fun than it really is!  John Travolta is not going to show up in a white jacket ready to boogie, and if he does, he will boogie while satiating his hunger for the flesh of the living.  I have seen a lot of good relationships ruined this way.  I mean, from Ghoul Fever, not from John Travolta.  Directly.

The other problem is that both your bite and your claws can paralyze your target, and unless you're into the kinky stuff, this can be a real downer to an intimate experience.  If you've ever heard someone described as being "frigid," well, that's peanuts compared to paralyzing someone in the throes of passion.  Not only that, but if you're in some particularly entangling position, get ready to have the most embarrassing hospital experience of your life - walking through that emergency room with blood from your latest kill dripping from your jowls and your paralyzed lover wrapped around you in some Kama Sutra weirdness that has his foot stuck in your ear or whatever the heck you kids are doing these days.

Finally, if you were killed in the act of cannibalism, you will actually rise as a Ghast, which means you'll also have an overpowering stench to worry about.  All I've got to say is you better be super hot or move to eastern Europe or something, because a lot of guys will just look elsewhere.  Guys like girls who don't require Fortitude saves.  I'm sorry, but the teenage years are a cruel time.

I hope that helps, and if you want to bring any guys over to my place, you're welcome to do so if they aren't clerics.

Peace out,

Cameron, the Ghoul

Can I Put a Hot Tub in a Sun Room?

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

What things should I take care of before I put a hot tub in a sun room?  Will the regular windows in the room give enough enough ventilation?  Should I put in a ceiling fan?

What about flooring beneath the tub?  Will 4x8-inch pavers (with crushed rock and sand base) support the weight without cracking?  Should we use 16x16-inch stones (with same base) instead?

Thanks,

Future Hot Tub Owner


Answer From: A Kobold
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Dear Future:

Dis good question.  Hot tub in sun room good idea.  You can have big rocks for basking after you and lady friend take bath.  Very romantic, and I know what I talking about.

Might want to shade windows.  Dis keep heat down and keep you from being dazzled by sunlight.  No want to make big move on clutch-mate and miss her mouf because Spot check low.  Very embarrassing.  Tribe talk about it for years at meetings.  Say, "Hey, Skizzer!  Remember when you go to kiss Bagya and miss mouf?  Dat hilarious!"  Oh yes.  Everyone big comedian at tribe gatherings.  I will eat them, someday.

Anyway, I see in list dat you leave off important item - there no traps in your plan.  This big mistake in my opinion.  Lair should be full of traps.  If you no much of a DIYer, dat fine.  Simple traps cheap and easy to install.  It easy to find used spring-loaded spike floor tiles in dis economy.  Concealed lava pit usually around light fixture section at Home Depot, and they even install for you, too, which is good deal.  For dat little extra something, might have valve in hot tub that fill tub wif acid.  No label, because dat defeat purpose, but make sure you no mix up, either, as my cousin Xeesix tell you if he not was dead.

Finally, get profeshunal advice, too.  I recommend sacrificing human and dancing naked on corpse until dragon spirit speak to you.  Is cheaper and more reliable dan contractors.  Sometimes dey give you power to cast spells, but dis not so helpful.  Oh, yes, tank you big lizard.  Dis purify food and drink spell-like ability just the thing for installing hot tub.  Ha ha ha!  Stoopid dragons.  But serious now do not tell dem I say dat.

Good luck and may you kill many things wit hot tub,

Skizzer, the Kobold

Mother Troubles

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I am a married woman in my mid-twenties.  My mother lives with us because she can't really handle her own affairs.  She doesn't pay her bills on time.  She is on unemployment that she spends very unwisely.  She's wrecked her car twice this year.  She also takes some expensive prescription drugs.

She relies very heavily on me to help her out both financially and with getting her things done and so on.  Our family doesn't have a lot of money, either, and when I give her money or spend a lot of time cleaning up her messes, it puts a strain on my marriage.

I can't really handle all this stress, but she's the only family I have left, and I feel responsible for her.  Should I just stop and force her to get her own affairs in order?  I don't like the thought of doing this for the rest of my life.

Thank you,

Wants to Be a Good Daughter


Answer from: A Drider
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Dear Wants:

I can understand the difficulty.  On the Demonweb, I have to deal with a lot of women who control me in various senses of the word, and some of them are quite destructive.

In your case, I would recommend not driving your mother away, as this will allow you to drink her blood for sustenance.  In today's society, finding the blood of a living creature to drink isn't as easy as you might like, and you might find that life without your mother will leave you feeling empty in more ways than one.  Your husband will almost certainly appreciate this.

At the same time, you can't be responsible for fixing all her problems.  She needs to take action in her own life, and I think the best way to get this to happen is through regular use of the suggestion spell which, being a spell-like ability, shouldn't reduce your spell slots for the day and offers a Charisma-based DC.  You seem like a nice person, so I'm guessing she'll fold like a hyperactive origamist.  Besides, she sounds like her Will save is lowish.

I would avoid using a venomous bite on her.  You may feel like it, but damaging her Strength may work counter to your goals, seeing as you're trying to get her more active.  I made sure I learned lightning bolt when I could pick up third level spells.  It's been a useful motivation tool for me, and that may be a good investment for you.

Good luck!  I can definitely relate to mother issues.  Mine was a priestess who exiled me for failing in battle so, whoa, you don't want to go unpacking that baggage.

Sincerely,

Chi-Thron, the Drider