How to Get a Tall Girl

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

Help me out here, guys.

I'm a short dude, but I LOVE tall women. I'm appealing in every way except for my height. How do I hit on women who are a foot taller than me without them thinking I'm joking?

Short on Height but Long on Love

Answer From: an Orc

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Dear Short:

Tell her you represent the Lollipop Guild. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, no, seriously. Sorry about that. I'm often Chaotic Evil.

The first thing I'd say is, if the evil overlord who is amassing you and your fellows is a wizard, see if he or one of his henchman can cast enlarge person on you. The battlemage Shir-thir cast it on a whole mess of us last week, and it worked great. Granted, we were crushing the front lines of the kingdom of Alveria, but romantic love and crushing the world beneath a storm of iron are very similar in a lot of ways. The spell doesn't last forever, but it should last long enough to get you a date. Enlarge person is also good at other stages of the relationship, but I'll let you figure that part out, yourself.

If you can't make yourself taller, then you could hide the fact that you're short. When you ask her out, stand between her and the sun. This will cause her to be dazzled due to her light sensitivity. I don't know what you look like, but this could help you out across the board. No offense, but people who actually are "appealing in every way" usually don't have to go around saying that, and my guess is that you wouldn't be writing in to this column in the first place if you were some kind of miniature Brad Pitt.

But every orc knows that the best persuasion comes at the business end of a falchion. Hey, half-orcs don't come outta nowhere. Some guys don't like to start relationships with coercion, but you might as well get your two cents in now before you find yourself going to the art show because that's what she likes. Oh no, she'd never go with you to the Friday night blood brawl, but you can go look at paintings of blue squares all day long, because that's love, brother.

Anyway, good luck, Shorty. Don't forget to ask if she's a good witch or a bad witch. HAHAHA! I kid, I kid.

Jurlach, the Orc

I Feel So Lonely and Ugly

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm going through depression from low self-esteem.

I've really never felt so ugly. I have short, Rhianna hair, which I'm growing out. I hate it. I feel so unattractive, and guys don't even look twice at me, anymore. Although everyone says it suits me, I'm obviously not looking that good. If I were a boy, I wouldn't look twice at me.

It's hard to even leave the house. When I go to college, I just get on the bus and cry all the way there. I can't take it, anymore.

It's not just that I feel ugly. It's definitely the way I look. I'm a mixed race, and I look a bit like Rhianna. Well, I hate Rhianna. I hate her music, I hate her style - everything. I like rock music.

I don't know how to display who I am on the outside, because I'm a mixed race, and I can't do anything with my hair. I want to grow it out longer so I can punk it up and feel more girly, but it's going to take forever to grow out.

To make matters worse, I've never had a boyfriend. There was one guy who said he wanted to be my boyfriend, but once we slept together, he just moved on to the next girl.

All my friends have boyfriends. I'm the only single person in our group of friends, so I never have anyone special to talk about. That just proves to me that I can't get anyone and they way I feel about myself is true.

I'm constantly comparing myself to other people. I search for pretty girls on Google and Facebook and wish I looked like them. Sometimes, I even try to make myself look more like them, but I really don't look anything like them.

I'm totally losing it. I hate getting up in the morning and going out. I hate seeing my reflection in the mirror, and I hate the thought of other people seeing me.

I haven't been out of the house except for school in five months. I don't like being around people because I feel like I'm awful to be around, and even when I'm acting happy on the outside, I just want to cry and feel so miserable on the inside even if I'm smiling.

My friend also has really low self-esteem, but at least she has a boyfriend who loves her and tells her that she's beautiful. I don't have anyone to pay me even the least bit of attention. No man to flirt with. No guys to text. I feel so alone and ugly.

Any advice?

Ugly Duckling

Answer From: a Goblin

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Dear Duckling:

Maybe you don't have a boyfriend because you never shut up. While you were yammering, my tribe raided Pelorville and was halfway through their Trench o' Dismembered Sheep before I finished reading your letter. Maybe lots of guys would like to ask you out, but they can't get through the entire sentence before you start in on Volume 7 of "Why Men Don't Text Me."

Hold on. The editor is telling me something.

Okay, it seems I'm supposed to help you, here. I thought that's what I was doing, but I guess constructive criticism isn't welcome. So, let's try empathy.

You think you've got it bad? Because your hair is too short? My hair is nothing more than some wiry tufts sticking out of a yellowed, leathery scalp. And you know what? That never stopped me from getting outside and doing my thing. The fact is, love is like everything else in life. If you want it, you get a bunch of your friends together and take it. Every romance I've ever had, I can trace back to a successful raid, including the woman I'm currently with. She's a goat.

But romance isn't always going to be goats and roses. You have to work for it. Why don't you pick a guy that you like and lie in ambush behind a stalagmite? Then, when you have your morningstar at his throat, you can ask him out. He'll say yes if he knows what's good for him. Or if you think that won't work, lead a group of your friends into his encampment at night, set his tents on fire, kill his guards while they try to escape, and ask him out in the confusion. There's no one way to find true love.

I'm telling you, though, the worst thing you can do is sit in your pile of filth and bones crying about it. Pick up your weapon, find an opportune time to strike, and take for yourself a male of some species or another.

Grolach, the Goblin

If One More Person Calls Me Emo, I'll Kill Myself

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I'm starting middle school next year, and I'm really excited about it!

The only problem is, the other kids sometimes say that I'm "emo." I know when you're emo that you cut yourself  and write sad poetry and stories, etc., but I don't do any of that stuff.

Being really smart doesn't help either. I'm sort of known for being the smart girl who likes to help people, but whenever I try to help someone, their friends say that I'm just being emo.

I really like to help people, so do you have any advice? I hate being accused of something I'm not.

Sincerely,

Not Emo at All Like Those Conformist Morons at My School

Answer From: an Ettin

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Ugh.

Well, must confess Groddo have trouble relating. You very smart little girl. Groddo is Ettin. This big difference, if you not notice.

Groddo say what works for him. When people say mean things to Groddo. Groddo kill them with big club and eat, later. This good plan for you.

No, no. That terrible plan. You little girl. You never lift big club. Throw javelin through head. Make it look like track and field accident.

Do not do that. Javelin through head not strike fear in hearts of foes. Must prevent insults from other kids in future. Pound bones to dust with club!

No be stupid! You throw back out picking up club since you dainty thing. Javelin.

Club!

No, javelin!

Club!

I club you if you no shut mouf!

No, you!

What?

What?

Hope this help you,

Groddo, the Ettin

Fighting with my Brother

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

My brother and I fight all the time. We can't seem to keep our mouths shut.

He is 22, and I am 13. He could fight me physically, and that happens sometimes, but I am big enough to fight back. My step-father and I have a lot of problems, and I think he encourages my brother to have problems with me.

I have had a migraine for the past two months, and I think this is causing it. We can't even be in the same room together without starting to fight.

What can I do?

PeaceLuvva

Answer From: a Werewolf

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Dear PeaceLuvva:

Where to start, where to start.

Ok, this brother of yours, does he carry silver? If he doesn't, I'm not sure what the problem is. If he's a werewolf, too, then you guys can go at it for some time without doing any real damage. It might even be healthy. I mean, just think of how much happier most families would be if the members of it could rake each other bloody with their claws and teeth only to have the damage completely disappear in a few rounds.

If he's not a werewolf, he should be easily slain. You might have issues with killing your brother, but it's not "sometimes chaotic evil," it's "always chaotic evil." If you decide not to be chaotic evil in this one case, you might as well just wuss out and become lawful evil. Then, you could spend all day deciding if being evil in any given situation really suits your "code," or weasel out of your evil obligations with some lame ass claim like, "Killing him now would jeopardize my ultimate plan," or some stupid excuse like that. Maybe you could find a wererat to bite you, since that may be more your style.

If he does carry silver, combat may not be your best option. You might find that reconciliation is possible if you bite him and transfer your curse. Then you get into the flesh-rending scenario I described, earlier. It's not ideal, but sometimes, people just won't change. Unless you give them a curse that forces them to change against their will.

What do you think about that, ratgirl?

Josef, the Werewolf

Financial Planning Advice Needed

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I think I'm the only guy my age who plans financially for the future. My company has a pension plan that I max out, and I also invest in the stock market using index funds.

I don't earn a lot of money, and I only put about $200 away each month for savings. Any extra money I get goes into this account, too, but that's maybe $100 or so a year.

I'm hoping that, by the age of 50, I'll have enough money to put away to send any kids to college. Is this unrealistic? I plan to put more in as I earn more in the future, but I have no way of knowing how much that'll be.

I'm 27, by the way.

Signed,

Protecting the Future

Answer From: a Thri-Kreen

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Dear Future:

My hive-brothers have communed regarding your problem, and we admit to some confusion.

In the first place, why do you wish to stockpile money? Will money slake your thirst in the desert? Will it protect your carapace in a nighttime raid? Will it provide you food from the spoils of battle? We agree that the pursuit of money is a waste of your time, and both you and your future brood will benefit much more from a stockpile of water and/or spears. Have you consulted a master-at-arms on the proper number of spears you will need for the future? We think you have not.

There might, perhaps, be some value in tying bundles of cash to your limbs to provide an extra layer of protection, but we feel you should simply rely on your chitin, as your movement will be much less hindered. You might throw out a wad of money in battle to distract your foe, but sand in the eyes is a much cheaper alternative, and obtaining a sufficient amount requires far less planning than what you currently require.

The second aspect that confuses us is the desire to send your broodlings to college. Many of your young will not survive the harshness of the desert. You will eat others that become lame or show weakness. In fact, truth be told, you yourself will be lucky to escape with your head intact after mating.

For the ones that do survive, their access to the hive mind should cover their educational needs and is free of charge. If your young lack the psionic ability to access the hive mind, simply devour them, which will also reduce your expenses. There should be no need to send any of them to university unless it is your intent to lead them on a raid of said institution which, once again, is absolutely free. Be warned that many university students mimic our ability to go without sleep. They cope with this very poorly, however, and we expect you will have no trouble slaughtering the mass of booze-addled flesh bags who are unable to fend off your many attacks due to the thick coat of bong resin that encases their skulls.

We hope this frees you from financial anxieties. Less money, more water.

The Hive of Darkscar Canyon

Limited Closet Space

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

I live in an older, bungalow-style home with very tiny closets, so very little room for clothes. How can I efficiently use my closet space without spending a lot of money? What would be the average cost of having my closets expanded?

Signed,

Living with Clutter

Answer From: a Mind Flayer (Illithid)

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Dear Cluttered:

You have come to the right place. Many will tell you to use your tentacles to extract and devour the brains of your foes and use their hollowed-out skulls for storage bins. This is not a bad idea as far as it goes. I currently use this method for office supplies and other little knick-knacks. I give the heads names for easy reference. I used to have a problem finding thumbtacks or paper clips or tea candles if I needed them, but now I just reach into Froederick Dumbaxe or Sheila Lowwillsave or Roguey McScreamsalot and get just what I need.

While this helps for organization, it isn't as much a help with space. You can only fit so much into someone's head, and the head itself takes up space, doesn't it? You might soon find your lair overrun with such heads, and then you have to contend with the feeling of being stared at. The awful, awful staring. I can feel those eyes on me, late at night. Watching. Waiting for the slightest sign of weakness. Their opportunity to strike....

Anyhoo, I suggest acting locally and thinking globally. Specifically, the more of the globe you bring under your dominion, the more space you will have. Closet space problems evaporate when you overrun a human village with your goblin hordes. Villages are chock full of the things. Closets. Like ripened fruit for the plucking. Yes. Today, this village's closets. Tomorrow, another village's closets. Then the closets of a large city. One day, ALL THE WORLD'S CLOSETS SHALL BE MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You can also use empty milk crates for shoes and books and the like.

SUBMIT TO MY WILL, SLAVE, and invest in some inexpensive shelving.

Brahoon, the Mind Flayer

Note: The mind flayer is product identity owned by Wizards of the Coast and has not been released under the Open Gaming License.

Boyfriend Will Not Stop Groping Me

Dear Ask a DnD Monster:

This is slightly... okay, very embarrassing.

My boyfriend is rather, um, uninhibited in public. This includes mainly groping my bum, breasts, and talking about our sex life in full view and earshot of everyone. He will not stop, and when I talk to him about it, he says that he'll stop, but twenty minutes later, he's at it again! I'd say this happens about ten to twenty times a day if we're together the whole day.

I've tried talking to him about how uncomfortable it makes me, and he just says I'm too conservative. So, I asked him, "How many 30 year olds do you see groping their girlfriends in public?" Obviously, you don't see any, but he seems to just be getting worse as time goes on.

Nothing works no matter what I do, and I'm just dreading the day he does it in front of people we know or my parents or something. Do you have any advice on how I can encourage him to keep this behind closed doors?

Please help,

Overfondled

Answer From: a Tarrasque

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Oooh, this bad.

Me have same problem with girlfriend. Me was one groping, though. Me have Improved Grab ability and not afraid to use it! Heh heh. When she complain, me tell her me no care what people think because me am unstoppable juggernaut of destruction and also me very secure in self-esteem.

This bad move, though. Girl leave me. Says me not respect her. Also complain about friends running in fear when come over to play Settlers of Catan. She right, you know, and now she gone. Even epic level regeneration not cure broken heart.

You need make clear to boyfriend he not respecting you when do this. If he not care, you leave him. Will teach him important lesson in treating women right or will at least be someone else problem. If you not cool with that, swallow him whole. Will take him many rounds to cut way out of digestive tract. Probably dead from stomach acid by then. Either way good. Up to you. We all different.

Good luck,

Thrug, the Tarrasque